26 與在痛苦中掙扎的弟兄姐妹一同祈禱  

疼痛是非理性的。痛苦使我走投無路,下不去也上不來。是上帝允許這些痛苦經歷我。或者,我懷疑,襲擊我的正是祂。是祂瓦解了我的免疫系統。使我身內的細胞彼此相噬。是祂扭傷了我的筋骨,賜予我寧以頭捶牆的疼痛。我黏糊的血肉彷彿被裝甲車輾過。我寧死未死且不允死。祂遺棄我,任由我一遍遍的舔舐自己的傷口。任憑我乾裂的嘴唇我的心發出苦毒的咒怨。啜泣,心碎的聲響,祂都充耳不聞。以至我深信自己被推落在光所不及的深淵。只是我尚未絕望,因為我聽見自己說,祂必定是瞎了聾了啞了。祂的愛是沒有兌現的承諾。祂又使我被人出賣。被包圍在尖酸刻薄的嘲諷與攻擊下。我累了,緘默,不再反擊,甚至厭惡禱告。我認出最後一個吐唾沫在我臉上的,不是別人,正是祂。祂仍未放過我。終於,我意識到自己只是糞堆裡蠕動的蟲蛆。我失去了言語。我的感覺也逐漸麻痺。懷疑自己是活著還是死了的。我靈裡發出最後的掙扎,主啊!你知道。在這一切的一切之後我死了。那虛空的虛空。我被人置放在墓穴之中,與渾身鞭傷、釘痕的那人同埋。又隔了一天。第三日清晨,我與祂同復活。

There is no rationality in pain. Pain pushed me to the corner, and left me nowhere to turn. But it was God who allowed the pain to overtake to me. Or, I even suspect, it was Him who attacked me. It was Him who wrecked my immune system and forced the cells in my body to devour one another. It was Him who twisted my joints and caused me such great pain that I rather bang my head against the walls. My body became a bloody smashed up carcass as if it were ran over by a tank. I rather die but death eluded me. God forsook me and left me alone to lick my own wounds. Through my dry cracked lips, I screamed out malicious curses. He pretended to not hear my cries or the sound of my heart breaking. I even started to believe that I was thwarted to the depth of an abyss where no light can shine. But I found myself not completely hopeless because I heard myself say, He must be deaf, blind, and dumb. His love was nothing more than empty promises.  He watched as I was betrayed by my friends and He stood idly when I was peppered with insults and abused. I was exhausted and I refused to speak.  No more retaliation, no more annoying prayers. I recognized the last wad of spit that landed on my face was from no others but Him. He wouldn’t let go of me. Finally, I realized I was just a maggot swarming in a heap of excrements. I lost my ability to speak and my ability to feel. I began to question whether I was dead or alive.  I unleashed my last cry of struggle from soul. Oh Lord! After all that, I died. I was placed in the same sepulcher with man whose body was whipped repeatedly and eventually nailed on the cross. One day passed. Then on the morning of the third day, I resurrected as He did.

創作者介紹

Garden91季刊 │玉溪有容教育基金會發行

garden91 發表在 痞客邦 PIXNET 留言(0) 人氣()